Musings

Ever Have you Ever?



Photo credit – Inner Demons by HarpyQueen


No, Not ‘Never have I ever’. Ever have you Ever?



Have you ever just wanted people to hear how you think? Like, how your brain processes information? Some of the odd things that cross your mind or the different conversations that you have with yourself? What you are reading is what I have in my head all the time. It is this conversation that I have with myself.

I’ve named different parts of my personality or my ‘defects’ or what have you. Lets run down the list of what has names and what needs a name.


  • My Inner Demon: The asshole that tells me that I’m a good for nothing piece of shit and wont amount to anything. The bastard that says I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m not worth anyone’s time. This bastard – I named him ‘Wes’. (Congratulations Wes, you made a cozy part of my life ya wanker. You’re the asshole that I will get rid of at some point. )


  • My Thalassophobia/Fear: My irrational fears that I can’t seem to overcome (Things in the water. I joke that “They all want to eat me, even though they don’t know it yet. I Joke….. But that really is how I feel. Like as soon as my skin touches the water it turns into a damn beacon of “COME EAT ME!”) But in general, I believe that this may end up encompassing all of my anxiety and fears, but I’m not 100% sure. This one is named Zosia (Not sold on the spelling – but Zoh – Shuh).


I have a few I need to name yet. But I have to really like the name. It has to fit, and the names haven’t quite come to me yet. But the ones that I talk to the most in my head are:

  • The Good Me: The one that tells me I’m beautiful, worth peoples time, knowledgeable, worth a decent paying job, that its okay that my body isn’t shaped perfect, that I have scars, anxiety, trauma, cry randomly and don’t have teeth. The Good Me needs to be a fantastic name. Something that I have a connection to.

  • Jealousy: While I would like to think I’m evolved enough to not have this, I unfortunately am plagued by it. I notice the patterns, I know when it will be coming (most of the time) and I do really well and making jealousy my bitch when it rears its ugly head. If I didn’t talk to Lars about it, he wouldn’t know I even have issues. But – I’ve got a new lease on insecurities. Give them a voice – they disappear. If I’m feeling insecure or WES is whispering in my ear (until Jealousy gets its own name) I speak to whomever the insecurity is involved with. If they are valid – We get to talk about them, If they aren’t – they get erased. The ability to be able to speak like this should be taught in school. Its been working really well for me.

Though – I fear sometimes I often share too much or maybe too strongly? I want to care if I do, but I don’t know if I do. Because I really need to just start being me. Not what I think others expect of me.

  • Scared Me: The little girl that still wants to hide under the bed or in the closet. The one that is afraid to be hurt both physically and emotionally. The one that doesn’t know how to handle some feelings/emotions.

  • Nurturing Me: The one that wants to provide everyone with a Safe Space, Food, Things they miss, comfort, hugs, love, warmth, memories, experience, understanding, acceptance. All the things I think I was missing growing up. That doesn’t mean I didn’t get these. It means that there was a level of depth to it, I wasn’t getting. I have some great family memories.

I am sure there are more. But I recognize these as cluster fuck that I am. My therapist liked that I was naming them. I told her my idea to create a sign that outlines who people are talking to. If I am being a certain way ‘ grab the name off the board and call me it! – It helps

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