Uhhh… Thanks De Niro!
I am watching The Intern with Anne Hathaway and Robert De Niro.
What a heartwarming movie. It’s a change… seeing myself in the character of the older person vs the younger. There’s a lot that I’m loving about this movie.
- The Big Boss is kind and not a holy terror.
- The Intern (De Niro) is capable and patient. I can see him use his years of experience in his actions.
I’m sure I’m reading into it more than the movie intended, but I still see it. Anne Hathaway’s character made a comment to De Niro’s.
“How do you always know the right thing to say?”
This sent me on a little rabbit hole.
Making mistakes, Making attempts, learning what works and what doesn’t, Experience teaches you what to say.
It’s easier to know what to and not to do in the eyes of younger people, I think that is how we forget that “adults” are just as lost as the non-adults. Were still muddling through it, we just learned to side step instead of walking into the pole for some things.
Not ‘Everything‘.
People that are older than us can only surmise how to handle/approach a situation based on the experiences they have had. And they may not have had our experience, nor processed the experience the way we did.
Robert De Niro’s character lost his wife of 40 years in this movie. It makes me think of Lars and I. We are so close to the 20 year mark.
There have been ups and downs, celebrations and mourning, I’ve gotten to see him grow as a person, I’ve been able to grow with him. He’s been my best friend for years, and it amazes me that I could love him more than I do now, but it seems to happen; every year.
He supports me in anything I could ever want to do or be or anything. I hope I do the same for him, but I always feel like he loves me deeper than I do him, and then I feel ashamed. I’m not sure if I feel he loves me more because If he wanted to leave, I’d ‘let’ him go? I wouldn’t fight.
I’d die inside quite a bit, but, how could I hold on to something I love and keep them where they don’t want to be? I’m sure it’s a weird view I have that something like that makes me love some one less. And I know its not a competition. Well. That’s what the world will say anyways.
I remember, early in our relationship, feeling angry at myself for not feeling comfortable running to him if didn’t feel good. I’d run to my mom instead. When I had a problem, I’d go to mom. I don’t remember the date, but I do remember the realization when it moved from mom to him. I don’t think he knows this, but when I had that realization, I melted inside. Into a puddle of warm happy hugs and love for him. I felt free, too.
When I went to Oklahoma for college, just after high school, I felt alone. Especially when I was singled out by my classmates/roommates because I was different. I didn’t have a safe place. And with everything that happened in Oklahoma, Mom was it. Mom wasn’t in Oklahoma.
As much as Mom was my safe space for a time, my family was not. I think Mom was a safe space by default. The safest space in the environment that I knew. I tried escaping Wisconsin several times and never succeeded on staying gone because when I left, I had no safe space. Realizing how long it took for Lars to become that for me, I now feel like I understand why nowhere else really worked out.
In order to have someone become ‘safe’ they would have to show/prove it year after year with out trying to prove. I need to know that is who they are and not a show they are putting on for me. Lars has proven time and time again that they are safe. That I’m okay to be me, whoever that is, and regardless of how many times that changes. He respects my boundaries’, my body, my wishes, and loves me in a way that works for both of us.
(As a side note, kind of realizing this all as I type… so…
Hey! Surprise to me to learn there is a method to my madness too!)
The thought of losing him for any reason scares me a bit, but, life has its twist and turns and that’s not really what this entry is about.
Currently we are on safe spaces.
To which I realize that when we have a friend group, I tend to look for a person who would be Lars’ alternate if he were leave me. (So….. Lets be clear, when I say leave, it could be he left because he chose to, I kicked him out because he was no longer a safe space or the fool decided to leave this mortal plain… Which he better never do before me… ( BIATCH! YOU HEAR ME!!! NOT BEFORE ME!! We can go together or you gotta go after me! )) Anywho…
I’m now realizing that my need to find an ‘alternate’ was a need to keep a backup safe space. It was the people around us that would be considered for that role, but no one ever came close to being what Lars is to me.
(Which makes sense because, how the hell do you replace what we have…. and 18+ years of living and working together… right… I feel like this tangent is going on a road of making people think I’m trying to replace lars and that is not the case at all. We are just examining my behavior and thought process and whatever. You know, Therapizing myself which one should probably avoid doing all alone… but. I have these entries and you… the one person who actually took a moment to read the rantings of some rambling lunatic – no I don’t really think I’m a lunatic…. Moving on!))))))))) <=== all of them because I’m sure they were needed.
I haven’t done that where we live now. At least I don’t recall feeling that obsession to find an alternate. This entire state and the group of people we have found here are quickly turning into what i’d hope family should feel like.
Supportive, Uplifting, Understanding, Caring, Genuine
Farts are still funny!