Musings

Since today marks the anniversary of my birth – I figured it would be a great day to ‘come out’ to everyone that is paying attention. 

 Also – THANK YOU for all of the birthday wishes! I greatly appreciate it!

Some of you already know, but MOST do not. And while I fight with myself on why this is anybody’s
business – another part of me realizes that what I am about to explain, isn’t well known. So – for my mental health – and hopefully to impact others who are/were/might feel the same way I do or for those of you who may have invalidated or dismissed (unintentionally) someone else who said something that would align with this – I think it is important to ‘come out’.

The end of last year I learned a new word and the definition and examples resounded with me. It explained so much of how I have felt my entire life and couldn’t understand how others didn’t ‘get it’. My brain apparently is wired differently than what is ‘typical’. That doesn’t make me wrong, damaged, or “Maybe you haven’t _______ yet”. It doesn’t mean that I’ve had a ton of trauma or anything else. I remember being very young and having the same though process.

[GET TO THE POINT AMBER! – I’m Losing interest in what you are typing out!] – I’m getting there – be patient, and PLEASE keep reading.

I have spent the last 6 months figuring how I feel about my realization. The impact to my marriage, the impact society has had on everything and realizing how “normal” can limit the capacity to see beyond what “typical” behavior is.  I’ve even gotten into arguments where I’ve been told I’m damaged or broken, and clearly there is something wrong with me. I’m a horrible wife, who would ever want to be with someone like me, I’m selfish.

I’m not, by the way.

I’m not any of those things. At least – not in this respect.

So what is it that I need to say? What is the new word I learned?

 Asexual

What does Asexual (Ace for short) mean?

An Asexual person lacks ‘sexual’ attraction. I don’t look at someone and think “mmm. I want to jump their bones!’ That has NEVER crossed my mind. In fact – it hasn’t crossed my mind ever and I think the concept of that entire thought is crass and demeaning. Over the past few months – I’ve learned that that is something MANY people think. (Don’t stop reading because there is much more to the definition of what being ACE means. )

 There are SEVERAL different types of attraction.  Before I heard of Asexuality I had never even considered this to be something to break out. But – TADA – There are!

• Sexual attraction: attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).
• Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
• Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
• Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
• Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
• Intellectual attraction: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves.

 Asexual – A term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one’s sexual attractions. An asexual individual may choose to engage in sexual behaviors for various reasons even while not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexuality is an identity and sexual orientation; it is not a medical condition. Sexual attraction is not necessary for a person to be healthy.

• Gray-A, gray-asexual, gray-sexual are terms used to describe individuals who feel as though their sexuality falls somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality between asexuality and sexuality.
• Demisexual individuals are those who do not experience primary sexual attraction but may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed.

 With that – I want to invite you all to read the blog post I completed a couple days after realizing I was asexual and discussing this with my husband.  – A Moment of Self Discovery

 I grew up thinking boys wouldn’t like me if I didn’t put out.

 I wasn’t attractive. HotOrNot.com had me rated at a 4. I had one person say I reminded them of the “Green Thumb Troll” cartoon character. The guys I was able to date, didn’t date me in the ‘public eye’.

Sex was the only way I’d get a boyfriend. Getting a boyfriend was important. It was the ‘social norm’ and if I didn’t get a boyfriend or have sex, then, something was wrong with me. 

I had crushes in school. Thinking back it was more of an interest because I found them nice to look at. But I didn’t think ‘ oh! I wonder what it would be like to kiss him!’ It was a crush in a sense of attention. I wanted that person to pay attention to me. To CARE about me.

In my mid-twenties, I started dating someone. The first time he wanted to hold my hand in public I started crying. ( Thinking back, I remember it very clearly. Walking in Goodwill, and he put his hand on mine while I was pushing the cart. Out come the tears!) This was not something I was familiar with. I kept that boyfriend. I can’t figure out how, but I kept him and I ended up marrying him. 

The echo that sex was required continued into our marriage. I had sex and I got the boyfriend. Now that I married him, I needed to continue to put out.  A wife puts out. Why else would someone marry you if it didn’t get them sex. If we didn’t have sex, wouldn’t we just be roommates? There’s no point to being married if we don’t have sex. 

_________________________

My parents didn’t put this non-sense in my head. It wasn’t a sibling or a friend either. I don’t know where I got the bullshit that my inner demons kept repeating in my head over and over again.

It took 41.5 years of my life and the man I love (of 15 years) for me to realize that this was bull shit. I lucked out with the man I decided to marry. He is my best friend. Open minded, forward thinking, accepting of who people are.

Yesterday, I melted down. I broke down and went on a tangent but in that tangent came out that I do not look forward to sex. Sex to me is a chore. I rarely enjoy it. This feeling had nothing to do with my husband, I made this very clear. At no time growing up did I find any sexual attraction to anyone.  I couldn’t look at someone and think “Man! I’d bang that person!” or “ooh! I bet they are good in the sack!”. I didn’t obsess or even think about make-out sessions. This never made sense to me. WHY would anyone have this desire to ‘bang’ someone they knew nothing about much less ever met.

The closest I came to was – That person looks like they would be fun to hang out with.  Have a beer, start a bonfire, play a board game, go on adventure with. But sex or that type of intimacy, that was never in the mix.

I found people attractive, but that never lead to anything more than – “Damn! They are good looking”. Most of the time it was an attraction to their personality. Their sense of humor, wit, or their intelligence.

It didn’t matter what gender, religion, sexual orientation, race etc. 

This epiphany,  of my not being interested in sex at all, lead to a longer discussion. Both of us standing under a thunderstorm that drenched our faces. But we communicated which is what my husband and I very much try to focus on.

We ended our discussion before is was completed. We had set plans with friends and were going to be late. We dried our faces, hopped into the truck and off we went. During this drive I realized that the idea I have been running with “The other half has a RIGHT to sex” was such an archaic thought process. This is MY Body. Why do I have to do something with it that I do not enjoy? It’s my body. I shouldn’t be required to provide sex to anyone. If someone you like loves fishing , I’m not required to love or participate in that, why should sex be any different?

As a society we have come a great distance in accepting people for who they are and the evolution of gender, identity, sexuality etc. The right to our own bodies, our choices etc. Why on earth would I think that someone has a RIGHT to have sex with me.

We hung out with our friends and then when we got home, I went to take a bath to try and relax. My husband seemed a bit off and wasn’t really talking to me. I immediately went to bed after my bath and we did not have a chance to continue our conversation.

_________________________

The following day was full of awkwardness. My husband was barely saying a word to me. I felt I was walking on egg shells all day. Since he wasn’t going to talk to me, I sat down at my computer and started googling. “No Sex Drive”. “Not interested in sex”. “Relationships without sex”. I found “Asexual” and continued reading.

 My husband has his demons too and we are working through them together. But what I set out before him the previous day was a huge deal and I knew he needed some time, but I couldn’t determine if his silence was because of that or something else. And I figured that it could be a few things.

1.       Our relationship was dying and I needed to start planning for that.

2.       His Inner Demons have him in a very shitty mood.

3.       He is trying to figure out a way to be okay with this, and isn’t sure how to.

a.       Which means we have a lot more talking to do.

I checked on my husband through out the day and was lucky if I got more than a word or 2 in response. And none of it in a very kind tone.

He finally came in from working on the garage and we started talking again.

The issue was all 3.

His Inner Demons, had him believing that #1 was happening and He was trying to do #3.

We all have our inner demons. No matter how much we try to make sure we work on things. In my 41 years on earth, I have come to realize that you can think you know how you will handle something, but, you really wont know until it actually happens.  This is a big deal. (In all reality, it shouldn’t be a big deal, however, because we come from the expectations that this should be a big deal, it’s a big deal.)

After talking a bit further, we pulled up some YouTube videos on Asexuality.

I cried. HARD.

I had finally figured out that I wasn’t messed up. That there wasn’t something wrong with me. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t need medication to help me find a sex drive. (Yes, I went to my doctor a year or two ago trying to get help finding my sex drive. To no avail or interest of the doctor.)

We talked about how I felt about sex and how he felt about the fact I didn’t care for it. His inner demons kept trying to tell him it was because of him and because of something he did. All of which was very inaccurate. We talked about how I felt it was a wifely duty. (GOD! What was I thinking!) I legitimately thought this. I Cried – A LOT.

He cried. I cried. We blew our noses. Went back and forth on ensuring we loved each other and would support each other. We would work through this and figure out what that meant for the dynamics in our relationship. He immediately started to try and reassure me, but was using phrases like “ We will still keep a joint checking account and we will still…..” Alarms began going off in my head and I had to call these out.  I didn’t want this to ruin our relationship. I wanted everything to stay the same. I loved him and this realization didn’t change anything. Except – my desire to have sex, at all.

After confirming he was trying to hard to make me feel better, We both concluded that regardless of how this affects our relationship, if at all, that as long as we continue to be open and talk about everything, we will both be okay with the outcome. Even if that outcome was moving to friendship and no longer a marriage.  (Just to be clear, we both have not changed the way we feel about each other and have no intention of leaving or changing our roles in each other’s life)!! He reassured me over and over again that he is here to support me. He isn’t going anywhere. He loves me, I’m his best friend.

I’m still off and on crying. To know that I don’t need to do those ‘wifely’ duties, that my best friend isn’t going to leave me just because I have no sex drive.  We have been through a lot of rocky moments that life has dealt us.  I am so glad I get to weather this discovery with him. 

I am just now learning the different avenue’s that this realization means. 

For those of you who are starting this journey as well, I wish you the absolute best of luck and hope you have someone who can be as supportive. 

What does all this mean? 

Nothing. My sex life should have no impact on anyone. But – Neither should anyone else’s and yet it still seems to be the topic of conversation for anyone who doesn’t fit “social norms”.  I am here sharing my story because sex shouldn’t be a topic of conversation that is considered faux pas to discuss. And if anyone gets anything from my experience, then it was worth it. It’s okay to not like sex. No one is required to have sex, for any reason. 

So, You are Asexual. What does that mean? (Source)

The long and short of it is, I don’t think about sex like other people. There are various types of attraction. I think understanding this will help understand what being Asexual means.

• Sexual attraction: attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).
• Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
• Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
• Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
• Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
• Intellectual attraction: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves.

Now that you know there are different TYPES of attraction, you can be armed with understanding what Asexual means. 

Asexual is a term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one’s sexual attractions. An asexual individual may choose to engage in sexual behaviors for various reasons even while not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexuality is an identity and sexual orientation; it is not a medical condition. Sexual attraction is not necessary for a person to be healthy.

The Videos I watched after we figured out there was a name for my situation:

• Asexuality: The invisible Orientation 
• Why you’re still confused about your sexual orientation
• 5 Asexual People Explain what “Asexual” means to them 
• A Woman Tells Her Story: ‘I’m In A Sexless Marriage’ 
  • From a non-asexuals point of view being in a relationship with an Asexual.
• We’re in love but never have sex
• Debunking Asexual and Aromantic Myths

6/19/2021

 I have thought about how to write this post over and over again. Started it over and over again.  No matter how I start I keep coming up short on portraying the experience I had. 

This isn’t a post that will have my normal snark in it. It’s not a bright and fun experience. My attempts to make it more light hearted or riddled with quips and other such thing don’t really help it out. 

I was already not feeling good. Having issues keeping food down. The first couple days was water and crackers.  As nauseous as I was, those two things still seemed to stay down. The third night was the worst.  Water didn’t stay down. I tried powerade zero for electrolytes and that came up. Crackers did nothing.  When I didn’t have anymore water come up, bile replaced it. 

My body felt overheated and I couldn’t cool down. I checked my temperature and I didn’t have a fever. After a few more trips to vomit, I noticed the room starting to spin. Keeping upright was more of a challenge.  Sometime around 5 am I woke my husband up to help me to the shower.  I was hoping to take a cold shower. 

Anyone in southern Arizona in the summer knows that getting any kind of cold water is a joke. The outside temperatures are too high and the few moments of cold water you can get are short lived and followed by warm or even sometimes hot water.  A trick someone told me was to turn your hot water off in the summer. This way you can get colder or cooler water from the tank.   We hadn’t done this. 

After waking my husband up and having him help me to the shower; we turned the water on and was greeted by…. Warm water. I immediately got annoyed and frustrated as I was already feeling so warm. He walked me back to bed and we both laid back down. I had another trip or two to vomit and at some point my husband asked if we needed to go to urgent care. 

I knew I was impaired. I could barely navigate to the bathroom. I left this decision up to him. If it was me, I’d have laid back down and tried to tough it out.  He had other plans. He grabbed some clothes and had me put them on. After grabbing some other necessities he loaded me into the truck.  I don’t recall what time it was. I just new it was early. Work hadn’t started yet.

When we opened the door to go outside I was blinded.  I couldn’t see anything but bright white and the light hurt. After cringing and shutting the door, I was handed some sunglasses that barely helped and ushered out the door. The heat of Arizona’s summer making me even more uncomfortable. 

My breathing had become more forced and rapid. Almost a huffing pant.  I could feel my husbands annoyance with other drivers as he tried to get me to urgent care as quickly as possible. Once we arrived; I remember being unloaded. My husband fumbling with the seat belt to get me out of the truck and then sitting in the waiting room. After a few moments I was being taken in back to be assessed. 

At this point time became a fight for me. What was a minute felt more like an hour. I recall sitting in a bright room. I recall my husband telling me not to lay on the nice cold floor because they would send an ambulance.  I even recall ignoring him and enjoying how cold the floor was. Refreshing and a beautiful reprieve from the heat I kept feeling. 

The doctors wanted a urine sample and they had my husband help me collect it. I remember demanding a wheel chair because I couldn’t walk anymore.  

Urgent care provided some zofran to help with the nausea. My blood sugar was too high for the meter to read. 

They told my husband I was in Diabetic Keto Acidosis and that I needed to be taken to the Emergency Room immediately. They provided the nearest hospital and my husband loaded me back into the truck. 

The next thing i remember is sitting in the emergency room waiting room.  My eyes closed for much of this adventure due to how bright everything was. All I kept thinking about was cooling off and getting water.  My mouth was as dry as the Atacama desert.  

My husband said he want up and yelled at the ER nurse to get me help.  He was provided the standard ‘ as soon as we can sir’.   

I was taken back to be assessed and they wouldn’t allow my husband to come with.  At some point they called him back because I wasn’t coherent.  The answers I was providing didn’t make sense or couldn’t be understood. 

I’m told after a few moments of the assessment I was taken back and provided a room and a flurry of nurses.  Time continued to fail me as a nurse would come in and promise water and leave. What felt like hours of waiting no water I tried yelling ‘hello’ to get attention.  [I’m told I wasn’t very loud when I thought I was yelling] My husband hushed me several times and reassured me it had literally been 1 minutes since they had left.  

I remember:

• getting injections of zofran. 
• getting lemon wet swabs that were horrible.
• getting ice water and sponges to suck on. 
• getting things stuck to me and some kind of imaging done without having to leave the bed I was on. 
• food being brought and not having an appetite.
• my chin shaking uncontrollably even though I wasn’t cold

All the while my breathing continues to pant and I still feel hot. I remember my seeking out more and more water like an addict seeking their next fix.  

[my husband said I kept telling the heart monitor alarms to shut up. I was tachycardic and kept setting the alarms off with a heart rate over 135. At some point the nurses changed the threshold to stop the alarms]

The doctors told my husband that my blood sugar was 753.  That I was in DKA. They said my breathing was called Kussmaul respirations. Starts as rapid, shallow breathing (sigh breathing) that, as the acidosis grows more severe, becomes slower, deeper, and labored (air hunger).

After a while I was taken to ICU. My husband was sent to the waiting room while I was prepped for a stay in an ICU room. There I remember being bathed with wipes and put in a gown. Connected to monitors and several IVs and cables. A urine sample was requested and I conceded to a catheter because I didn’t have the energy to make it to the toilet that was less than 5 feet away. I remember a nurse telling me I had acid in my blood. To which I only recall mimicking what she said ‘acid in my blood?’ ..   and trailing off.  

The next 24 hours were in and out of sleep as the doctors came in and out testing my blood sugar and checking my fluids and electrolytes. I was on an iv drip of insulin to get my blood sugars down.  By 3pm the following day my blood sugar was down to the 300’s.  I was more awake but still quite tired.  I could see the incremental improvements. Being awake for longer periods but not being able to focus.  Checking my phone and seeing messages but not caring.   Finally reading the messages and then of course replying to them.  

I hadn’t fully understood the dilemma I had been in. How deadly the condition I was in until a few days after being released from the hospital.  I took the time to read more up on DKA and what it means.  

I’m thankful to be alive.  I’m thankful my husband was there to make the decision to bring me to a care facility.  Had he not, I may not be here today. 

I was in the hospital for a total of 3 days. When I got home I slept for another 24 hours. My body felt bruised. I was happy to be home.  The photo below (right) is after being in the hospital for 24 hours. Every time someone came in the room I was told how much better I looked. I think I am glad I don”t have pictures of before I received IV fluids and insulin. 

Another bloggers post hits very close to home.  A recommended read as she outlines the experience far better than I think I can.  While not identical in the setting or everything that happened, the experience as a whole and lost time is very similar. 

 https://www.medtronicdiabetes.com/loop-blog/the-scary-experience-of-diabetic-ketoacidosis/

 Yet another blogger has a great post about it. 

https://www.healthline.com/diabetesmine/landing-in-hospital-diabetic-ketoacidosis#1