A moment of Self Discovery

 I grew up thinking boys wouldn’t like me if I didn’t put out.

 I wasn’t attractive. HotOrNot.com had me rated at a 4. I had one person say I reminded them of the “Green Thumb Troll” cartoon character. The guys I was able to date, didn’t date me in the ‘public eye’.

Sex was the only way I’d get a boyfriend. Getting a boyfriend was important. It was the ‘social norm’ and if I didn’t get a boyfriend or have sex, then, something was wrong with me. 

I had crushes in school. Thinking back it was more of an interest because I found them nice to look at. But I didn’t think ‘ oh! I wonder what it would be like to kiss him!’ It was a crush in a sense of attention. I wanted that person to pay attention to me. To CARE about me.

In my mid-twenties, I started dating someone. The first time he wanted to hold my hand in public I started crying. ( Thinking back, I remember it very clearly. Walking in Goodwill, and he put his hand on mine while I was pushing the cart. Out come the tears!) This was not something I was familiar with. I kept that boyfriend. I can’t figure out how, but I kept him and I ended up marrying him. 

The echo that sex was required continued into our marriage. I had sex and I got the boyfriend. Now that I married him, I needed to continue to put out.  A wife puts out. Why else would someone marry you if it didn’t get them sex. If we didn’t have sex, wouldn’t we just be roommates? There’s no point to being married if we don’t have sex. 

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My parents didn’t put this non-sense in my head. It wasn’t a sibling or a friend either. I don’t know where I got the bullshit that my inner demons kept repeating in my head over and over again.

It took 41.5 years of my life and the man I love (of 15 years) for me to realize that this was bull shit. I lucked out with the man I decided to marry. He is my best friend. Open minded, forward thinking, accepting of who people are.

Yesterday, I melted down. I broke down and went on a tangent but in that tangent came out that I do not look forward to sex. Sex to me is a chore. I rarely enjoy it. This feeling had nothing to do with my husband, I made this very clear. At no time growing up did I find any sexual attraction to anyone.  I couldn’t look at someone and think “Man! I’d bang that person!” or “ooh! I bet they are good in the sack!”. I didn’t obsess or even think about make-out sessions. This never made sense to me. WHY would anyone have this desire to ‘bang’ someone they knew nothing about much less ever met.

The closest I came to was – That person looks like they would be fun to hang out with.  Have a beer, start a bonfire, play a board game, go on adventure with. But sex or that type of intimacy, that was never in the mix.

I found people attractive, but that never lead to anything more than – “Damn! They are good looking”. Most of the time it was an attraction to their personality. Their sense of humor, wit, or their intelligence.

It didn’t matter what gender, religion, sexual orientation, race etc. 

This epiphany,  of my not being interested in sex at all, lead to a longer discussion. Both of us standing under a thunderstorm that drenched our faces. But we communicated which is what my husband and I very much try to focus on.

We ended our discussion before is was completed. We had set plans with friends and were going to be late. We dried our faces, hopped into the truck and off we went. During this drive I realized that the idea I have been running with “The other half has a RIGHT to sex” was such an archaic thought process. This is MY Body. Why do I have to do something with it that I do not enjoy? It’s my body. I shouldn’t be required to provide sex to anyone. If someone you like loves fishing , I’m not required to love or participate in that, why should sex be any different?

As a society we have come a great distance in accepting people for who they are and the evolution of gender, identity, sexuality etc. The right to our own bodies, our choices etc. Why on earth would I think that someone has a RIGHT to have sex with me.

We hung out with our friends and then when we got home, I went to take a bath to try and relax. My husband seemed a bit off and wasn’t really talking to me. I immediately went to bed after my bath and we did not have a chance to continue our conversation.

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The following day was full of awkwardness. My husband was barely saying a word to me. I felt I was walking on egg shells all day. Since he wasn’t going to talk to me, I sat down at my computer and started googling. “No Sex Drive”. “Not interested in sex”. “Relationships without sex”. I found “Asexual” and continued reading.

 My husband has his demons too and we are working through them together. But what I set out before him the previous day was a huge deal and I knew he needed some time, but I couldn’t determine if his silence was because of that or something else. And I figured that it could be a few things.

1.       Our relationship was dying and I needed to start planning for that.

2.       His Inner Demons have him in a very shitty mood.

3.       He is trying to figure out a way to be okay with this, and isn’t sure how to.

a.       Which means we have a lot more talking to do.

I checked on my husband through out the day and was lucky if I got more than a word or 2 in response. And none of it in a very kind tone.

He finally came in from working on the garage and we started talking again.

The issue was all 3.

His Inner Demons, had him believing that #1 was happening and He was trying to do #3.

We all have our inner demons. No matter how much we try to make sure we work on things. In my 41 years on earth, I have come to realize that you can think you know how you will handle something, but, you really wont know until it actually happens.  This is a big deal. (In all reality, it shouldn’t be a big deal, however, because we come from the expectations that this should be a big deal, it’s a big deal.)

After talking a bit further, we pulled up some YouTube videos on Asexuality.

I cried. HARD.

I had finally figured out that I wasn’t messed up. That there wasn’t something wrong with me. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t need medication to help me find a sex drive. (Yes, I went to my doctor a year or two ago trying to get help finding my sex drive. To no avail or interest of the doctor.)

We talked about how I felt about sex and how he felt about the fact I didn’t care for it. His inner demons kept trying to tell him it was because of him and because of something he did. All of which was very inaccurate. We talked about how I felt it was a wifely duty. (GOD! What was I thinking!) I legitimately thought this. I Cried – A LOT.

He cried. I cried. We blew our noses. Went back and forth on ensuring we loved each other and would support each other. We would work through this and figure out what that meant for the dynamics in our relationship. He immediately started to try and reassure me, but was using phrases like “ We will still keep a joint checking account and we will still…..” Alarms began going off in my head and I had to call these out.  I didn’t want this to ruin our relationship. I wanted everything to stay the same. I loved him and this realization didn’t change anything. Except – my desire to have sex, at all.

After confirming he was trying to hard to make me feel better, We both concluded that regardless of how this affects our relationship, if at all, that as long as we continue to be open and talk about everything, we will both be okay with the outcome. Even if that outcome was moving to friendship and no longer a marriage.  (Just to be clear, we both have not changed the way we feel about each other and have no intention of leaving or changing our roles in each other’s life)!! He reassured me over and over again that he is here to support me. He isn’t going anywhere. He loves me, I’m his best friend.

I’m still off and on crying. To know that I don’t need to do those ‘wifely’ duties, that my best friend isn’t going to leave me just because I have no sex drive.  We have been through a lot of rocky moments that life has dealt us.  I am so glad I get to weather this discovery with him. 

I am just now learning the different avenue’s that this realization means. 

For those of you who are starting this journey as well, I wish you the absolute best of luck and hope you have someone who can be as supportive. 

What does all this mean? 

Nothing. My sex life should have no impact on anyone. But – Neither should anyone else’s and yet it still seems to be the topic of conversation for anyone who doesn’t fit “social norms”.  I am here sharing my story because sex shouldn’t be a topic of conversation that is considered faux pas to discuss. And if anyone gets anything from my experience, then it was worth it. It’s okay to not like sex. No one is required to have sex, for any reason. 

So, You are Asexual. What does that mean? (Source)

The long and short of it is, I don’t think about sex like other people. There are various types of attraction. I think understanding this will help understand what being Asexual means.

• Sexual attraction: attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).
• Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
• Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
• Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
• Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
• Intellectual attraction: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves.

Now that you know there are different TYPES of attraction, you can be armed with understanding what Asexual means. 

Asexual is a term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one’s sexual attractions. An asexual individual may choose to engage in sexual behaviors for various reasons even while not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexuality is an identity and sexual orientation; it is not a medical condition. Sexual attraction is not necessary for a person to be healthy.

The Videos I watched after we figured out there was a name for my situation:

• Asexuality: The invisible Orientation 
• Why you’re still confused about your sexual orientation
• 5 Asexual People Explain what “Asexual” means to them 
• A Woman Tells Her Story: ‘I’m In A Sexless Marriage’ 
  • From a non-asexuals point of view being in a relationship with an Asexual.
• We’re in love but never have sex
• Debunking Asexual and Aromantic Myths