Uhhh… Thanks De Niro!

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I am watching The Intern with Anne Hathaway and Robert De Niro.

What a heartwarming movie. It’s a change… seeing myself in the character of the older person vs the younger. There’s a lot that I’m loving about this movie.

  • The Big Boss is kind and not a holy terror.
  • The Intern (De Niro) is capable and patient.  I can see him use his years of experience in his actions.

I’m sure I’m reading into it more than the movie intended, but I still see it. Anne Hathaway’s character made a comment to De Niro’s.

“How do you always know the right thing to say?”

This sent me on a little rabbit hole.

Making mistakes, Making attempts, learning what works and what doesn’t, Experience teaches you what to say.

It’s easier to know what to and not to do in the eyes of younger people, I think that is how we forget that “adults” are just as lost as the non-adults. Were still muddling through it, we just learned to side step instead of walking into the pole for some things.

Not ‘Everything‘. 

People that are older than us can only surmise how to handle/approach a situation based on the experiences they have had. And they may not have had our experience, nor processed the experience the way we did. 

Robert De Niro’s character lost his wife of 40 years in this movie. It makes me think of Lars and I. We are so close to the 20 year mark.

There have been ups and downs, celebrations and mourning, I’ve gotten to see him grow as a person, I’ve been able to grow with him. He’s been my best friend for years, and it amazes me that I could love him more than I do now, but it seems to happen; every year.

He supports me in anything I could ever want to do or be or anything.  I hope I do the same for him, but I always feel like he loves me deeper than I do him, and then I feel ashamed. I’m not sure if I feel he loves me more because If he wanted to leave, I’d ‘let’ him go? I wouldn’t fight.

I’d die inside quite a bit, but, how could I hold on to something I love and keep them where they don’t want to be? I’m sure it’s a weird view I have that something like that makes me love some one less. And I know its not a competition. Well. That’s what the world will say anyways.

I remember, early in our relationship, feeling angry at myself for not feeling comfortable running to him if didn’t feel good. I’d run to my mom instead.  When I had a problem, I’d go to mom.   I don’t remember the date, but I do remember the realization when it moved from mom to him. I don’t think he knows this, but when I had that realization, I melted inside. Into a puddle of warm happy hugs and love for him.  I felt free, too.

When I went to Oklahoma for college, just after high school, I felt alone. Especially when I was singled out by my classmates/roommates because I was different. I didn’t have a safe place. And with everything that happened in Oklahoma,  Mom was it. Mom wasn’t in Oklahoma. 

As much as Mom was my safe space for a time, my family was not. I think Mom was a safe space by default. The safest space in the environment that I knew. I tried escaping Wisconsin several times and never succeeded on staying gone because when I left, I had no safe space. Realizing how long it took for Lars to become that for me, I now feel like I understand why nowhere else really worked out.

In order to have someone become ‘safe’ they would have to show/prove it year after year with out trying to prove. I need to know that is who they are and not a show they are putting on for me.   Lars has proven time and time again that they are safe. That I’m okay to be me, whoever that is, and regardless of how many times that changes. He respects my boundaries’, my body, my wishes, and loves me in a way that works for both of us.

(As a side note, kind of realizing this all as I type… so…
Hey! Surprise to me to learn there is a method to my madness too!)

The thought of losing him for any reason scares me a bit, but, life has its twist and turns and that’s not really what this entry is about.

Currently we are on safe spaces.

To which I realize that when we have a friend group, I tend to look for a person who would be Lars’ alternate if he were leave me. (So….. Lets be clear, when I say leave, it could be he left because he chose to, I kicked him out because he was no longer a safe space or the fool decided to leave this mortal plain… Which he better never do before me… ( BIATCH! YOU HEAR ME!!! NOT BEFORE ME!! We can go together  or you gotta go after me! )) Anywho…

I’m now realizing that my need to find an ‘alternate’ was a need to keep a backup safe space. It was the people around us that would be considered for that role, but no one ever came close to being what Lars is to me.

(Which makes sense because, how the hell do you replace what we have…. and 18+ years of living and working together… right… I feel like this tangent is going on a road of making people think I’m trying to replace lars and that is not the case at all. We are just examining my behavior and thought process and whatever. You know, Therapizing myself which one should probably avoid doing all alone… but. I have these entries and you… the one person who actually took a moment to read the rantings of some rambling lunatic – no I don’t really think I’m a lunatic…. Moving on!))))))))) <=== all of them because I’m sure they were needed.

I haven’t done that where we live now. At least I don’t recall feeling that obsession to find an alternate. This entire state and the group of people we have found here are quickly turning into what i’d hope family should feel like.

Supportive, Uplifting, Understanding, Caring, Genuine
Farts are still funny!

Chipped Beef Dip

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img from MrFood.com

This has been a family favorite for years. We would make this for any “Dish to Pass” venue and it
would always lead to sharing the recipe out. One of my favorite dips that used to be GREAT with french bread.  Obviously, the french bread isn’t an option in this lifestyle. But with the new bread recipe I found, it brings this right back to the table!

This is a quick dip recipe that gets better as it sits. Once you make this, let it sit over night and the flavors will be that much better. I completely understand if you can’t wait that long, even just an hour will help. I have a hard time keeping my hands out of this.

Ingredients:

  • 8 oz Mayo
  • 8 oz Sour Cream
  • 2 T Minced Onion
  • 1/2 T Parsley
  • 1/2 T Dill
  • 1/2 T Accent
  • 1 1/2 pkg Chipped Beef (I use Carl Buddig Beef)
    • We have used their Cornned Beef and regular Beef as well.

Directions: 

  1. Dice the meat and put into a bowl
  2. Add the remaining ingredients and stir thoroughly
  3. Place a lid on the bowl or suran wrap it.
  4. Refrigerate overnight (or at least a couple hours)
  5. ENJOY!

Gumbo

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We’ve made gumbo a few times. But I think my partner has hit the mark on this one. This recipe turned out absolutely fantastic. This is easily the best tasting Gumbo I’ve had.

I never trust the web to keep the information I link to. But the original post is here. You can get a fantastic walk through on making it with pictures.

Authentic New Orleans Style Gumbo

This Authentic New Orleans Gumbo is made with a dark roux, vegetables, chicken, sausage, and shrimp, and served over rice.

Approximately: 6 servings

Equipment

  • Enameled Pot

Ingredients

For the Roux:

  • 1 heaping cup all-purpose flour
  • 2/3 cup oil (vegetable or canola oil)

For the Gumbo:

  • 1 bunch celery , diced, leaves and all
  • 1 green bell pepper , diced
  • 1 large yellow onion , diced
  • 1 bunch green onion , finely chopped
  • 1 bunch fresh chopped parsley , finely chopped
  • 2-3 cloves garlic
  • 1-2 Tablespoons cajun seasoning *
  • 6-8 cups Chicken broth *
  • 12 ounce package andouille sausages , sliced into ‘coins’ (substitute Polska Kielbasa if you can’t find a good Andouille)
  • Meat from 1 Rotisserie Chicken*
  • 2 cups Shrimps , pre cooked
  • cooked white rice for serving

Instructions

  • Make the Roux*: In a large, heavy bottom stock pot combine flour and oil. Cook on medium-low heat, stirring constantly for 30-45 minutes. This part takes patience–when it’s finished it should be as dark as chocolate and have a soft, “cookie dough” like consistency. Be careful not to let it burn! Feel free to add a little more flour or oil as needed to reach this consistency.
  • Brown the sausage. In a separate skillet on medium-high heat place the sausage slices in one layer in the pan. Brown them well on one side (2-3 minutes) and then use a fork to flip each over onto the other side to brown. Remove to a plate.
  • Cook the vegetables in broth. Add 1/2 cup of the chicken broth to the hot skillet that had the sausage to deglaze the pan. Pour the broth and drippings into your large soup pot. 
  • Add remaining 5 1/2 cups of chicken broth. Add veggies, parsley, garlic and roux to the pot and stir well. 
  • Bring to a boil over medium heat and boil for 5-7 minutes, or until the vegetables are slightly tender. (Skim off any foam that may rise to the top of the pot.) Stir in cajun seasoning, to taste.
  • Add meat. Add chicken, sausage, and shrimp.
  • Taste and serve. At this point taste it and add more seasonings to your liking–salt, pepper, chicken bullion paste, garlic, more Joe’s stuff or more chicken broth–until you reach the perfect flavor. Serve warm over rice. (Tastes even better the next day!)

Notes

Roux: The roux can be made 3-5 days in advance, stored in a large resealable bag in the fridge.

Cajun seasoning: My preferred brand is Joe’s Stuff Cajun Seasoning but I can usually only find it online. You could use any brand, but may need to adjust the amount added, to taste. You can also make your own cajun seasoning. (We used Zatarans)

Chicken and broth:The best way to make this gumbo is by buying a rotisserie chicken–removing all the chicken, and using the carcass to make homemade chicken broth. Then make the gumbo using the chicken and homemade broth. You can use store-bought chicken broth, but homemade is way better! Here’s a tutorial for making it from scratch.

Storing Instructions:  Store Gumbo covered in the refrigerator for 3-4 days.  

Freezing Instructions: This recipe makes quite a lot, so save leftovers for another day!  To freeze gumbo, allow it to cool completely and store it in a freezer safe container (separate from the rice) for 2-3 months.  Thaw overnight in the refrigerator and reheat on the stove or in the microwave.

Tide Pools

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You see people on TV and in movies exploring these beautiful rocks crusted with sea life. I am absolutely fascinated by sea life. I have a very strong fear of it too, but, I’m in awe none-the-less. I remember falling in love with the idea of mermaids after seeing Splash! with Darryl Hannah. I wanted to BE a mermaid! I wanted to explore the depths of the ocean and make friends with whales and dolphins.

I remember as a kid, when we would go swimming I’d dive under water and kick my feet together mimicking a tail. Makes me realize I don’t think I was afraid of the water my whole life, so now I get to run down that dark alley to figure that out, LOL.

Okay! – ONWARD – to brighter things and new adventures!

Suffice to say – Me, living in the middle of the continent about as far away from ‘anything ocean’ as you can get, had no ounce of hope that she would ever see things like that except at a zoo.

I think what made this experience even better, was that I was able to see them with my sister and my husband. I am not sure either of them quite understand how much value I place on new experiences, much less the value I place on being able to share those experiences with the people I love.

New Experiences are pivotal to learning and expanding your mind. It doesn’t matter if the experience was good or bad, lived up to your expectations or didn’t. There are always small lessons learned in every new experience. By sharing these with others, it creates a new connection with them, a new memory, and many new lessons that they often won’t realize they have learned until the need arises. To me, its magical! Watching their faces as they experience the same thing I am but in their own way.

Wow! Sorry! This got deep! But – Lets share the amazing tide pools we got to experience at Beach 4 in Washington.

On this trip we also hit up Ruby Beach. Unfortunately, no tide pools here, but it was still a fantastic visit. As everything in Washington – it was beautiful.

** Please forgive the bad pictures as it was fairly dark out when we got there.
** Click an image to view full screen or comment an image.

Videos

Sea Night Life

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The Puget Sound Estuarium was hosting a Pier Peer. This would be a great way to see more sea life and get a close look at things. Probably not a smart thing when I already fear everything that is in the water. (Thalassophobia is a b!tch!)

This was absolutely neat and weird at the same time. Enthralling and had me very anxious waiting for Bruce to come chomp on us.

Bruce

Yes, logical me knows that this isn’t going to happen. Bruce was just playing his part. It’s not his fault that hollywood turned him in a monster. Bruce just needed a dentist and some cuddles and no one would listen.

….. Welcome to my head.

Anyways. We did Pier Peer when my sister was visiting. It was super neat to see the things that you could easily find in the water. Sea slugs – those things are pretty and I really wanted to pet them. [My fear says if I pet them they will blow up to 50 times their size and bite my arm off. I think I just need to name my fear… Liz? Tony? Zosia! I like it. Now lets see if I remember it. Zosia needs to die. That bitch is just absolutely unreasonable. )

We even seen a little jelly fish of some kind. I believe they were having a hard time identifying it. But it was super cool! Some baby fish, crabs. The Estuarium had underwater drones they were running.

There were scoops that we were provided to scoop up water and check for sea life. As we found things we would put them in containers so we, and others, could look at what was found. It was a very chill outing.

If you ever get to experience this. Please do! It is so much fun!

Dragon Boats

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I can’t say I expected this to end up on here. I knew what dragon boats were. But, with my accepting my fear of the things in the water, this really wasn’t even a thought.

The opportunity came up! I kept going back and forth – “It’s a new experience” , “It’s in the ocean”, “How scared are you REALLY of the ocean”

…… imagines boat tipping over and hands reaching up to pull me under …..

“Yes! I’m scared of the ocean! but…. are you going to let that get in the way of you trying something new? “……. pause for dramatic effect…… “NO!” — “Hi! Can I sign up for the Dragon Boats?”

A ship we seen when we were out on the water! FRIGGEN COOL!
A ship we seen when we were out on the water! FRIGGEN COOL!

Yeah… We went on a short ride before we even got on the boat! There was a bit of a wait before loading up. When we came back to check the time, there were some people that hadn’t shown up so I was bumped up and was able to ‘strap in’ for my new experience.

I’m going to pause here for a brief moment to provide a HUGE “THANK YOU” to a certain archivist that told me about the free boat rides. They also were the drummer on said ride, keeping us rowing on pace.

Walking down the pier towards the boat and water, I kept staring at the water, waiting to see something that was going to make me change my mind. Nope! Nothing stopped me! I still got in. Awkwardly as I do.

Almost used the seat to step down into the boat and was promptly corrected. (Good thing, Girl has packed on some unwelcome weight and I don’t need to be breaking boats!)

Things I learned on my dragon boating experience

  • Weight is a huge factor in being able to balance the boat properly. Moving people around to ensure that weight on the left and right side of the boat is as equal as possible.
  • Dragon boats can be wobbly MF’ers
  • Paddling behind a kid makes keeping rhythm challenging (but he was super cute and could tell he was trying)
  • Paddling to the beat of a drum is therapeutic and relaxing
  • Getting OUT of a dragon boat is much easier than getting in
  • The person at the way back of the boat steers
  • It’s beautiful when everyone is in sync
  • I REAAAAAAALLY need to get some of this weight back off!

I really enjoyed the experience. I would absolutely do it again. There was a short moment of wobbly boat as we were turning around that gave me moment of pause… okay more than pause… but we didn’t tip over and I know I’d be fine if we did, I would just be working to get away from the creatures of the deep dark ☺

Lots of First at the Pacific Ocean

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I’m amazed at how much I find water fascinating and yet I am terrified of it and everything in it. My imagination runs wild with all kinds of things that I could step on, kick, encounter etc.  I have been embracing the thalassophobia and enjoying the views and smells instead. 

The Pacific Ocean, at least, for where we were, is quite chilly. Bring a sweater! But it was very cool as I was able to cross several things off the list of new experiences today.

Drove a vehicle on the Beach – Okay – so technically I didn’t drive it. Amaia and Don did. But, I was there! I’ve only ever seen this happen in movies. I’m expanding my horizons damnit! Its amazing what you think only happens in movies and to others is just normal everyday living.

Seen a living Sand dollar – Amaia had been searching for a sand dollar that wasn’t broken. The beach was full of decimated crab and sand dollar. She had found this one and when she was showing me it kept glistening oddly. I realized it was alive and that its little feet/feelers were moving. Never thought I’d ever see a living sand dollar, and while it wasn’t on the intentional list, I will absolutely take this as a win.  The sand dollar was not harmed and they were placed back in the water where she had found it.

  • Seen ‘Wild’ Crab (Albeit dead, they were still from the wilds of the ocean, lol )- This was pretty wild. The size of crab were crazy and they were all over the place. My husband is no small man and this crab looks huge even in his hands.
  • Seen Horse Back Riders on the Beach – I’ve had a dream of riding a horse on the beach for years. It seems like this is now something that is possible, though, not sure I’d want to do a “Group” ride.  I have some weight to lose first, regardless, as I cant see putting my hefty self on some poor horses back. Gallop down the beach and maybe kick up some water! Horse back riding in general just sounds amazing. For me, Not sure about the horse. I can’t imagine they enjoy being a vehicle for humans.

Made a drift wood sand turtle – When I was a kid we made a snow turtle in our back yard. We dug out the shapes on the back and everything. Somewhere – there is a picture of it. I’m just not sure where. I’ve seen others make driftwood art and thought it would be neat to do something with the many pieces of driftwood we found on the beach. I am not in the best shape. (round is a shape, I know) so I petered out a bit but, we gave it a shot!

A couple extra pictures because they are amazing. Especially the one where Amaia and Don are jumping and splashing in the puddles.

Videos

Ride on a Ferry

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 I had a boss quite a while ago that was fascinated with ferries. Honestly I may have been just big boat vessel things. But I specifically remember ferries. 

I rode one of those with the paddle wheels a few years ago, but after moving to Washington, there are a lot more opportunities to try new things. And the Giant ferries (compared to the one I rode a while back) is different. 

I’m not sure what I really expected. But it was still a new experience to be on a ship as big as the ferries that cross Puget Sound. 

Every time I say ‘Puget Sound’ I giggle a little. I remember a series of books I read when I was a kid. It was based over this way and Puget Sound was mentioned quite a bit. (At least, that I recall) I remember thinking how amazing it would be to see the places they mentioned, the ocean, the costs, the forests. I also remember thinking I would never live to see them because that was just not the life I had. I couldn’t imagine ever affording to see anything ‘cool’.  And here I am. Living in Washington and getting to see all kinds of new things. Its amazing. and I’m so glad I remember that feeling, the book and the entire slew of emotions it brought. It makes me more appreciative. 

Well – That was a bit of a tangent! So – Not sure what I expected of the Ship, but what I got was – solid footed, super windy at the front, really fricken loud horn and it had a lot of seating, wasn’t crowded and it had a little food store.  

Docking was interesting. It felt like we were going to crash into the dock. We didn’t of course, however I did learn that it can happen. Not too long ago there was an ferry that crashed into the dock in Puget Sound and cut off power to (i think) an Island.  

Loading and unloading the ferry was fine. Not really much of an adventure. Much like boarding and un-boarding a plane. you kind of just get herded along the way. Just follow the flow of people lol.  Coming up to the dock there was floating concrete pads the managed to have stickers all over it. Not sure why, but I found that interesting. 

It was interesting to learn that the ticket that allowed us to board the ship also was the ticket that allowed us to return. I don’t know if it was a fluke or not, I still have no clue how they work but I’m sure we will be riding them again soon.  

Overall – the ride was relaxing, chilly, but relaxing and it was nice. Amaia and Don were there with me and they had spotted some sea life. a couple of jelly fish. One was an ‘egg yolk’ jelly fish. Which ended up being funny because Amaia was guessing. And apparently that is there name as well. 

Coming out

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Since today marks the anniversary of my birth – I figured it would be a great day to ‘come out’ to everyone that is paying attention. 

 Also – THANK YOU for all of the birthday wishes! I greatly appreciate it!

Some of you already know, but MOST do not. And while I fight with myself on why this is anybody’s
business – another part of me realizes that what I am about to explain, isn’t well known. So – for my mental health – and hopefully to impact others who are/were/might feel the same way I do or for those of you who may have invalidated or dismissed (unintentionally) someone else who said something that would align with this – I think it is important to ‘come out’.

The end of last year I learned a new word and the definition and examples resounded with me. It explained so much of how I have felt my entire life and couldn’t understand how others didn’t ‘get it’. My brain apparently is wired differently than what is ‘typical’. That doesn’t make me wrong, damaged, or “Maybe you haven’t _______ yet”. It doesn’t mean that I’ve had a ton of trauma or anything else. I remember being very young and having the same though process.

[GET TO THE POINT AMBER! – I’m Losing interest in what you are typing out!] – I’m getting there – be patient, and PLEASE keep reading.

I have spent the last 6 months figuring how I feel about my realization. The impact to my marriage, the impact society has had on everything and realizing how “normal” can limit the capacity to see beyond what “typical” behavior is.  I’ve even gotten into arguments where I’ve been told I’m damaged or broken, and clearly there is something wrong with me. I’m a horrible wife, who would ever want to be with someone like me, I’m selfish.

I’m not, by the way.

I’m not any of those things. At least – not in this respect.

So what is it that I need to say? What is the new word I learned?

 Asexual

What does Asexual (Ace for short) mean?

An Asexual person lacks ‘sexual’ attraction. I don’t look at someone and think “mmm. I want to jump their bones!’ That has NEVER crossed my mind. In fact – it hasn’t crossed my mind ever and I think the concept of that entire thought is crass and demeaning. Over the past few months – I’ve learned that that is something MANY people think. (Don’t stop reading because there is much more to the definition of what being ACE means. )

 There are SEVERAL different types of attraction.  Before I heard of Asexuality I had never even considered this to be something to break out. But – TADA – There are!

  • Sexual attraction: attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).
  • Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
  • Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
  • Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
  • Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
  • Intellectual attraction: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves.

 Asexual – A term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one’s sexual attractions. An asexual individual may choose to engage in sexual behaviors for various reasons even while not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexuality is an identity and sexual orientation; it is not a medical condition. Sexual attraction is not necessary for a person to be healthy.

  • Gray-A, gray-asexual, gray-sexual are terms used to describe individuals who feel as though their sexuality falls somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality between asexuality and sexuality.
  • Demisexual individuals are those who do not experience primary sexual attraction but may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed.

 With that – I want to invite you all to read the blog post I completed a couple days after realizing I was asexual and discussing this with my husband.  – A Moment of Self Discovery

 

 

 

 

 

A moment of Self Discovery

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 I grew up thinking boys wouldn’t like me if I didn’t put out.

 I wasn’t attractive. HotOrNot.com had me rated at a 4. I had one person say I reminded them of the “Green Thumb Troll” cartoon character. The guys I was able to date, didn’t date me in the ‘public eye’.

Sex was the only way I’d get a boyfriend. Getting a boyfriend was important. It was the ‘social norm’ and if I didn’t get a boyfriend or have sex, then, something was wrong with me. 


I had crushes in school. Thinking back it was more of an interest because I found them nice to look at. But I didn’t think ‘ oh! I wonder what it would be like to kiss him!’ It was a crush in a sense of attention. I wanted that person to pay attention to me. To CARE about me.

In my mid-twenties, I started dating someone. The first time he wanted to hold my hand in public I started crying. ( Thinking back, I remember it very clearly. Walking in Goodwill, and he put his hand on mine while I was pushing the cart. Out come the tears!) This was not something I was familiar with. I kept that boyfriend. I can’t figure out how, but I kept him and I ended up marrying him. 

The echo that sex was required continued into our marriage. I had sex and I got the boyfriend. Now that I married him, I needed to continue to put out.  A wife puts out. Why else would someone marry you if it didn’t get them sex. If we didn’t have sex, wouldn’t we just be roommates? There’s no point to being married if we don’t have sex. 

I look back at who I was at these ages and it hurts to think that I thought so little of myself.

_________________________

 

My parents didn’t put this non-sense in my head. It wasn’t a sibling or a friend either. I don’t know where I got the bullshit that my inner demons kept repeating in my head over and over again.

 

It took 41.5 years of my life and the man I love (of 15 years) for me to realize that this was bull shit. I lucked out with the man I decided to marry. He is my best friend. Open minded, forward thinking, accepting of who people are.

 

Yesterday, I melted down. I broke down and went on a tangent but in that tangent came out that I do not look forward to sex. Sex to me is a chore. I rarely enjoy it. This feeling had nothing to do with my husband, I made this very clear. At no time growing up did I find any sexual attraction to anyone.  I couldn’t look at someone and think “Man! I’d bang that person!” or “ooh! I bet they are good in the sack!”. I didn’t obsess or even think about make-out sessions. This never made sense to me. WHY would anyone have this desire to ‘bang’ someone they knew nothing about much less ever met.

 

The closest I came to was – That person looks like they would be fun to hang out with.  Have a beer, start a bonfire, play a board game, go on adventure with. But sex or that type of intimacy, that was never in the mix.

 

I found people attractive, but that never lead to anything more than – “Damn! They are good looking”. Most of the time it was an attraction to their personality. Their sense of humor, wit, or their intelligence.

 

It didn’t matter what gender, religion, sexual orientation, race etc. 

 

This epiphany,  of my not being interested in sex at all, lead to a longer discussion. Both of us standing under a thunderstorm that drenched our faces. But we communicated which is what my husband and I very much try to focus on.

 

We ended our discussion before is was completed. We had set plans with friends and were going to be late. We dried our faces, hopped into the truck and off we went. During this drive I realized that the idea I have been running with “The other half has a RIGHT to sex” was such an archaic thought process. This is MY Body. Why do I have to do something with it that I do not enjoy? It’s my body. I shouldn’t be required to provide sex to anyone. If someone you like loves fishing , I’m not required to love or participate in that, why should sex be any different?

As a society we have come a great distance in accepting people for who they are and the evolution of gender, identity, sexuality etc. The right to our own bodies, our choices etc. Why on earth would I think that someone has a RIGHT to have sex with me.

 

We hung out with our friends and then when we got home, I went to take a bath to try and relax. My husband seemed a bit off and wasn’t really talking to me. I immediately went to bed after my bath and we did not have a chance to continue our conversation.

_________________________

 

The following day was full of awkwardness. My husband was barely saying a word to me. I felt I was walking on egg shells all day. Since he wasn’t going to talk to me, I sat down at my computer and started googling. “No Sex Drive”. “Not interested in sex”. “Relationships without sex”. I found “Asexual” and continued reading.

 My husband has his demons too and we are working through them together. But what I set out before him the previous day was a huge deal and I knew he needed some time, but I couldn’t determine if his silence was because of that or something else. And I figured that it could be a few things.

1.       Our relationship was dying and I needed to start planning for that.

2.       His Inner Demons have him in a very shitty mood.

3.       He is trying to figure out a way to be okay with this, and isn’t sure how to.

a.       Which means we have a lot more talking to do.

I checked on my husband through out the day and was lucky if I got more than a word or 2 in response. And none of it in a very kind tone.

He finally came in from working on the garage and we started talking again.

The issue was all 3.

His Inner Demons, had him believing that #1 was happening and He was trying to do #3.

 

We all have our inner demons. No matter how much we try to make sure we work on things. In my 41 years on earth, I have come to realize that you can think you know how you will handle something, but, you really wont know until it actually happens.  This is a big deal. (In all reality, it shouldn’t be a big deal, however, because we come from the expectations that this should be a big deal, it’s a big deal.)

 

After talking a bit further, we pulled up some YouTube videos on Asexuality.

I cried. HARD.

I had finally figured out that I wasn’t messed up. That there wasn’t something wrong with me. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t need medication to help me find a sex drive. (Yes, I went to my doctor a year or two ago trying to get help finding my sex drive. To no avail or interest of the doctor.)

 

We talked about how I felt about sex and how he felt about the fact I didn’t care for it. His inner demons kept trying to tell him it was because of him and because of something he did. All of which was very inaccurate. We talked about how I felt it was a wifely duty. (GOD! What was I thinking!) I legitimately thought this. I Cried – A LOT.

 

He cried. I cried. We blew our noses. Went back and forth on ensuring we loved each other and would support each other. We would work through this and figure out what that meant for the dynamics in our relationship. He immediately started to try and reassure me, but was using phrases like “ We will still keep a joint checking account and we will still…..” Alarms began going off in my head and I had to call these out.  I didn’t want this to ruin our relationship. I wanted everything to stay the same. I loved him and this realization didn’t change anything. Except – my desire to have sex, at all.

 

After confirming he was trying to hard to make me feel better, We both concluded that regardless of how this affects our relationship, if at all, that as long as we continue to be open and talk about everything, we will both be okay with the outcome. Even if that outcome was moving to friendship and no longer a marriage.  (Just to be clear, we both have not changed the way we feel about each other and have no intention of leaving or changing our roles in each other’s life)!! He reassured me over and over again that he is here to support me. He isn’t going anywhere. He loves me, I’m his best friend.

 

I’m still off and on crying. To know that I don’t need to do those ‘wifely’ duties, that my best friend isn’t going to leave me just because I have no sex drive.  We have been through a lot of rocky moments that life has dealt us.  I am so glad I get to weather this discovery with him. 

 

My husband and I. This man is beyond supportive. Not just to me, but everyone he meets both outside of work and at work. I am truly blessed to have him in my life and as my best friend.

I am just now learning the different avenue’s that this realization means. 

For those of you who are starting this journey as well, I wish you the absolute best of luck and hope you have someone who can be as supportive. 

What does all this mean? 

Nothing. My sex life should have no impact on anyone. But – Neither should anyone else’s and yet it still seems to be the topic of conversation for anyone who doesn’t fit “social norms”.  I am here sharing my story because sex shouldn’t be a topic of conversation that is considered faux pas to discuss. And if anyone gets anything from my experience, then it was worth it. It’s okay to not like sex. No one is required to have sex, for any reason. 

So, You are Asexual. What does that mean? (Source)

The long and short of it is, I don’t think about sex like other people. There are various types of attraction. I think understanding this will help understand what being Asexual means.

  • Sexual attraction: attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).
  • Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.
  • Aesthetic attraction: occurs when someone appreciates the appearance or beauty of another person(s), disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction.
  • Sensual attraction: the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling.
  • Emotional attraction: the desire to get to know someone, often as a result of their personality instead of their physicality. This type of attraction is present in most relationships from platonic friendships to romantic and sexual relationships.
  • Intellectual attraction: the desire to engage with another in an intellectual manner, such as engaging in conversation with them, “picking their brain,” and it has more to do with what or how a person thinks instead of the person themselves.

Now that you know there are different TYPES of attraction, you can be armed with understanding what Asexual means. 

Asexual is a term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one’s sexual attractions. An asexual individual may choose to engage in sexual behaviors for various reasons even while not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexuality is an identity and sexual orientation; it is not a medical condition. Sexual attraction is not necessary for a person to be healthy.

The Videos I watched after we figured out there was a name for my situation: